My heart is absolutely 100% broken. Today it feels beyond fixable. I miss my little girl so much. Im not in the mood to hear the "well shes healed and not suffering anymore". Or "at least you had her for 8.5 months". Excuse me?? Let me say the same thing to you about your child, does it make the thought of loosing them any easier? Afraid not! Now multiply that by a trillion. I just wish I could hit a pause button in life and just freeze everything around me. Mainly my hurt and saddness. I am tired of hurting this badly. I would love to have 1 minute of the day where I didnt feel this immense amount of pain. I would love to have my babygirl back in my arms.

I am taking a break from Facebook. I just need time to heal and not have things to bring me down. Its just too soon and my emotions are so raw still, I think time away will be good. Ive taken on so many projects and activites to keep busy, I thought that would be good, but it just seems overwhelming.

Ive been feeling so alone lately. Nobody "gets" how I am feeling or what Im going through. Its something that is unexplainable when trying to help someone to understand. I know God has a plan for my life, I just wish it wouldve been different. I wish my plan didnt involve me loosing my sweet babygirl, my most precious gift!

I am going to try to do things that seem healing to me. I havent let myself actually grieve, Ive had so much going on since Emalee passed. I guess, back to square one I go. Please pray for me during this time, I need all the prayers I can get.

Dear God,

I have no clue what you are doing with my life. I trust you and need you now more than ever. You have opened my eyes and have my full attention. What now? I am not sure where I begin to pick up my life again and actually live. I've been just going through the motions of the day waiting for it to end to start another day. I need you to guide me in your path. As I see my life is not mine. I have NO control of my life in the end whatsoever. You have taken back the most precious greatest gift you could give. I need you to help me to understand all the things you have done in my life. I need you to keep me wrapped in Your arms, as those are the only arms strong enough to keep me. Please give my babygirl lots of hugs and kisses from me and tell her mommy loves her so much!

Love,

Your broken hearted Child

Easter Weekend

Sunday not only marks as Easter, it also represents 6 weeks since I last held my precious babygirl. It seems like so long ago that I craddled her in my arms and rocked her night night. Then again, it seems like yesterday. My heart longs to be with her now more than ever.

Today my mom came over to go through Emalee's totes of clothes in her bedroom. I have like 10 totes full of babygirl clothes and 90% of the clothes she never got to wear. My tiny princess was still in Newborn sized clothing. With the ridiculous amount of clothing she had we went through it to give some to a lady my mom knows that had a babygirl a few months ago. Out of all that clothing I only ended up getting rid of 2 bags full. LOL. I cant help it, the things Emalee once wore I could NEVER part with. We kind of organized her bedroom to make it look a bit neater. She never slept in her room she either slept with mama or in her pack n play/ bassinet thats in my room right beside my bed. Her bassinet and everything in/on it remains the same as the day she last used it. (Which was pre-hospitalization. She slept with me when she came home from the hospital. She wanted to be close to mama, and I loved it!) I want to keep her memories so close to and this really does help me to have her bed set up next to mine, the way its supposed to be.

Evan had his first soccer practice this evening and he had a blast! The class was from 5:30p to 6p, so not too long but just enough to have fun. He had a bit of trouble listening at first because he was overly excited about being there and being with other kids. (Being sucluded in the house for 8.5 months, he didnt know what to do with himself) But after a little talking to by the coach, he was much better. The coach seems really nice and understanding and like he likes being around kids. I was so proud of Evan because he can kick that ball good! I dont know much about soccer or the lingo for it, but he was running and kicking the ball and was making it in the goal. LOL. I was laughing so hard and started to cry because boy has our life changed in almost 6 weeks, for the worse, but my boy was out there having fun and being a kid and he makes me so happy. Hopefully next week its not raining so they can be outside to play soccer. Its just not the same as being outside in grass :-)

Afterwards we went to look at a jogging stroller I found on craigslist for $25. It was nice so we took it. I will be using that for our March of Dimes Walk, its 5k. Evan says its for babies but little does he know how looong of a walk it is and his legs will be tired. I will surely not be carrying him. He will be thankful for it in the long run. LOL

Here are a few pictures of him from Soccer today!

I've been going back and forth on blogging about everyday ramblings. My blog wouldve generally been about my babies and how I love whatever they are doing at that moment and how I couldnt imagine life without them...You get the point.

Well, my life has now become that reality. I am living life without my precious babygirl, my Emalee. Something I thought would've never been possible, life ending, I am living through it. It is definately anything BUT easy. Its chaotic, I dont know how I feel from one minute to the next. To say it never crossed my mind in the beginning to end all this pain, I would be lying. This is something that no text book can help. Nothing will comfort you except God. Words are nice to hear and are encouraging and uplifting but your still faced every second of the day living life without 1/2 your heart. I miss Emalee so much and I still cannot comprehend it all. I cannot fathom that I lost my little girl. I cant believe shes really gone. Every night before I go to bed I pray that God will wake me up from this nightmare by having Emalee yell at me that shes hungry or wants attention. Oh how I miss that little yell.

I have no clue what life has instore for me or how it will all play out. Right now I am living my life one second at a time. The pain literally hurts, its not the kind of numbing pain, its more like torcher. I have my days where I can hold it all in and especially infront of people, but you best believe when Im alone, able to think, I am bawling.

Welcome to my life of trying to find my new normal!

Where heartbreak meets a new kind of happy.